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	Name	Position	About
	Matt Williams	Second Row	Formally of Liverpool Buccaneers, Matt is the new Coach, Lord and Saviour of Ellesmere Port. Matt has a wealth of experience in "building a rapport" (back-chatting) with referees, interfering at the play-the-ball and receiving high shots.
	Steve Threlfall	Loose Forward	Steve is best known for going unnoticed. Playing with an injury, playing 80 mins at Prop on the hottest day of the year, making a try-saving tackle in the last minute. All of these contribute to Steve receiving no recognition from, well, anyone.
	Keith Howard	Hooker	Keith is renowned for his arranging of line-painting and as such knows his way to the try line. Keith is fighting the good fight at Hooker, but it's surely only a matter of time before he accepts his natural role as a Prop.
	Tim Summerton	Centre	Tim had just started to show everyone what he could do in training (by actually turning up to training) when he suffered a broken collar-bone against Mancunians. Tim will hopefully be fit and raring to go soon.
	Andy Threlfall	Second Row	Andy is another try-saving Threlfall, and like his brother his hard work often goes unnoticed. Andy is a solid player despite being cursed with "gas bottle legs", and has an unhealthy fasination with the "reach-around" (whatever that is).
	Martin Percival	Prop	Martin is another hard-working, 80 minute forward who has a pechant for the shortest of shorts and a love of all things English. Martin is an excellent trainer when he remembers to wear appropriate boxers.
	Steve Arnold	Centre / Full Back	Steve is a box-wearing Centre, Winger or Full Back with good pace and a safe pair of hands. Steve has a mystery job (presumed to be Judith Chalmers' PA) as he always seems to be out of the country and therefore unavailable for training.
	Chris Smith	Scrum Half	Initially a history-making winger with "blistering pace", a tactical masterstroke saw Chris take up the Scrum Half position. Chris is renowned for receiving unearned recognition and for reminding anyone who'll listen that he was MoM last match.
	Paul Hopkins	Full Back / Winger	Paul is the most experienced member of the squad at 104 years of age. Paul has excellent hands, good finishing skills and reliable post-protector ordering abilities, but is most famous for getting injured during low-impact training drills.
	Andy Williams	Stand-Off	Andy is a hard-tackling Stand-Off with Pat Richards-esque goal kicking abilities. Andy is clearly no relation to Matt the coach, despite sharing the same surname Andy hardly opens his mouth whilst Matt doesn't shut up.
	Karl Dunne	Prop	Karl has recently returned from injury and is chomping at the bit to play next time out. Karl is a hard-running impact Prop, and wins the award for most unusual injury this season - a bruised liver.
	Curtis Ellery	Winger	Curtis is a lightening-quick, prolific winger who steps well off both feet, and is difficult to pin down (except when concussed). Curtis used to play for Altrincham and Sale at Rugby Union, although doesn't like to bring it up.
	James Callaghan	Prop / Loose Forward	James is a Prop originally from Union, who gets through a mountain of work in attack and defence. James has dreams of playing in the halves by occasionally taking on kicking duties in open play. Referred to by Little Hulton as "the big dickhead".
	Paul Cavanagh	Prop	Paul is a new Prop who is used as an impact player. Paul seems to attract "big shots" (i.e. gets nailed) but keeps coming back for more, and is improving his fitness all the time.
	Matt Percival	Scrum Half / Hooker	Matt is a tough Scrum Half and a similar lover of all things English to his brother Martin.
	Robbie Muir	Centre	Robbie is an excellent ex-Union player with good hands, but injuries have made him miss most of the season. Robbie has recently been spotted at training after an absence of 20 years.
	Simon Randall	Winger	Simon is another original Union player who suffered a series of injuries, and it is hoped he'll be back soon.
	James Nixon	Winger	James is a young player with a burst of pace but has struggled recently with injury.